150 Best Texas Sayings and Jokes Yall Gonna Love These Hilarious Gems

Ever heard someone say they’re “fixin’ to” do something and wondered what in tarnation they meant? That’s the beauty of Texas, a state as big on personality as it is on land. Dive into the colorful world of Texas sayings and jokes, where wit and wisdom blend like a perfect bowl of chili.

From tall tales to down-home humor, Texan expressions are a language all their own. Get ready to laugh, learn, and maybe even pick up a few phrases that’ll make you sound like a true local.

So, saddle up and get ready to explore the uniquely Texan way of speaking – it’s gonna be a real hoot!

Best Texas Sayings and Jokes Yall Gonna Love These Hilarious Gems

• Bless your heart, you’re about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.
• I’m not saying Texas is big, but you could start a road trip in Dallas and end up in next Tuesday.
• Why did the armadillo cross the road? To prove he wasn’t chicken, y’all!
• That fella’s got more curves than a Texas highway.
• My patience is as thin as a Texas tortilla.
• I’m fixin’ to go get myself some barbecue, my stomach’s hollerin’ louder than a rodeo announcer.
• You’re about as sharp as a marble in a gumball machine.
• If a frog had wings, he wouldn’t bump his tail, and if my aunt had balls, she’d be my uncle; let’s just leave it at that.
• A Texan’s version of a light snack is a whole brisket.
• How do you know if a Texan likes you? They’ll offer you some sweet tea, and maybe even a little bit of their chili.
• I’m so busy, I feel like a one-legged man in a butt-kicking contest.
• Don’t worry, be hoppy, just like a Texas jackrabbit in a bluebonnet field.
• I love Texas weather, if you don’t like it, just wait fifteen minutes and it’ll change… probably to something else you don’t like.
• The difference between a Texan and a Yankee? A Texan knows the difference between a cattle prod and a stick.
• Heard a Texan say he was cutting back on carbs… then he ordered a double stack of pancakes with extra syrup.

Texas Sayings: The Heart of Lone Star Humor

Texas Sayings and Jokes aren’t complete without exploring the heart of Lone Star humor. “Texas Sayings” capture the state’s unique spirit, often with a twang and a wink. From folksy wisdom to tall tales, these phrases reflect a culture that loves to laugh at itself, using colorful language that’s both…

• That fella’s got a mind like a Texas highway at rush hour, all jammed up and goin’ nowhere fast.
• You know you’re in Texas when the local gas station sells more beef jerky than actual gasoline, and nobody bats an eye, and they all know how to make a proper brisket, and they’re all happy to tell you about it.
• They say everything is bigger in Texas, but they haven’t seen the size of a Texas-sized mosquito after a good rain, it’s practically a small bird, and probably has a saddle.
• My GPS in Texas just keeps saying, “You’re near a barbecue joint. Now what?”
• A Texas summer is like a long, hot hug from a very sweaty friend, and it just never quite lets go, and you should probably grab a big glass of iced tea, and maybe find some shade.
• That’s about as likely as a bluebonnet growing in the desert, and then actually winning a beauty pageant.
• If you’re lost in Texas, just follow the smell of barbecue, you’ll either find your way or a really good meal, and probably a banjo, and maybe a long story about the weather.
• A Texan’s idea of a speed chase is a pickup truck trying to catch up to a tumbleweed, and everyone is watching, and maybe placing bets on who will win.
• They say everything is bigger in Texas, but they haven’t seen the size of a Texas-sized ego, it’s practically a monument to self-importance, and maybe a little bit over the top, but that’s just how we roll, y’all.
• My therapist told me to embrace my inner Texan, so now I’m perpetually late, always craving barbecue, and convinced that everyone else is driving too slow.
• That fella’s got a smile like a Texas sunset, warm, bright, and a little bit showy, and you know he’s about to tell you a story.
• A Texan walks into a library and asks for books about paranoia. The librarian whispers, “They’re right behind you… and they’re probably talking about the weather and college football, and the best place to get some brisket.”
• My Texas weather app just gives me a picture of the sun and the caption “Yep, that’s about it, and you should probably get a hat, and some sunscreen, and maybe some more sunscreen, just in case.”
• A Texan’s idea of a “quick errand” is a detour to three different barbecue joints, just to make sure they get the best ribs, and then a stop for some sweet tea, and then maybe a drive through a bluebonnet field, and then they realize they’re late, and then they’re not worried about it.
• That fella’s got a mind like a Texas back road, full of twists, turns, and a few dead ends, and you’re never quite sure where you’ll end up, but you’ll probably see a longhorn.

Texas Jokes: Exploring Regional Wit

Texas Jokes: Exploring Regional Wit dives deep into the heart of Texas humor. From tall tales to self-deprecating quips, this collection showcases the unique wit born from the state’s vast landscapes and larger-than-life personalities. It’s a fun exploration of how Texans see themselves and the world, all wrapped up in…

• That fella’s got a mind like a Texas dirt road, long, dusty, and you never know where it’s gonna take you, or if you’ll get there at all.
• You know you’re in Texas when the biggest traffic jam is caused by a herd of longhorns deciding to cross the highway, and everyone just patiently waits, because that’s just how it is, y’all.
• They say everything is bigger in Texas, but they haven’t seen the size of a Texas-sized ego, it’s practically a monument to self-importance, and maybe a little bit over the top.
• A Texan’s idea of a “quick trip” to the store is a two-hour drive, a stop at three different barbecue joints, and a conversation with everyone they see.
• That’s about as likely as a tumbleweed learning to play the fiddle, and then actually getting a gig at the Austin City Limits.
• They say the stars shine brighter in Texas, but that’s probably just because there aren’t that many city lights to block them out, and you should probably grab a hat.
• My GPS in Texas just keeps saying, “You’re near a barbecue joint, and probably some longhorns. Now what?”
• A Texas summer is like a slow cooker, just simmering all day long, and the humidity is the lid, and you should probably grab a glass of sweet tea, and maybe a rocking chair, and maybe a hat, and maybe just stay inside.
• That fella’s got a smile like a Texas sunrise, warm but a little bit deceptive, because you know it’s about to get hot, and you should probably grab some sunscreen.
• They say everything is bigger in Texas, but they haven’t seen the size of a Texas-sized appetite, it’s practically a bottomless pit of barbecue and a whole lot of sweet tea.
• If you don’t like the weather in Texas, just wait fifteen minutes, it’ll probably change, and probably to something else you don’t like, and you should probably grab a hat and a pair of boots, just in case.
• A Texan’s idea of “roughing it” is a weekend without air conditioning, and then they’ll probably tell you a long story about that one time they had to go without it, and then they’ll probably go get some ice cream.
• My Texas weather app just gives me a picture of the sun and the caption “Yep, that’s about it, and you should probably get a hat, and some sunscreen, and maybe some more sunscreen, just in case, and maybe a big glass of iced tea, and maybe a nap.”
• They say money doesn’t grow on trees, but in Texas, it might be found at the bottom of a barrel of oil, or maybe a cattle ranch, and maybe a barbecue joint.
• That fella’s got a voice as smooth as a glass of bourbon, and a story to go with it, but you might need a few hours to hear the whole thing, and you should probably grab a rocking chair, and maybe some sweet tea, and maybe a biscuit, and maybe a nap.

Funny Texas Sayings: Laughing at Life, the Texas Way

Looking for a good chuckle? Dive into “Funny Texas Sayings: Laughing at Life, the Texas Way”! This book captures the heart of Texas humor. From tall tales to witty one-liners, it’s a hilarious exploration of the state’s unique perspective. You’ll find yourself saying, “Well, I’ll be!” before you know it.

• That fella’s got a smile like a rattlesnake in a cowboy boot, a little unsettling but you can’t help but look.
• They say everything is bigger in Texas, but they haven’t seen the size of my to-do list after a weekend at the rodeo.
• A Texan’s idea of a “quick trip” is a detour to three different barbecue joints, just to make sure they get the best brisket, and then a stop for some sweet tea, and then maybe a drive through a bluebonnet field, and then they realize they’re late, and then they’re not worried about it.
• That’s about as likely as a bluebonnet growing in a desert, and then actually winning a beauty pageant, and maybe learning to play a steel guitar, and then starting a band.
• You know you’re in Texas when the local radio station plays more country music than actual news, and everyone knows all the words, and they’re all probably about a pickup truck, a lost love, and a good sunset, and then they all go get some barbecue.
• My GPS in Texas just keeps saying, “You’re near a barbecue joint, a gas station, and probably a bluebonnet field. Now what?”
• They say the stars are big and bright in Texas, but they’re nothing compared to the size of my hat collection, and my collection of boots.
• A Texas summer is like a long, slow cooker, just simmering all day long, and the humidity is the lid, and you should probably grab a glass of sweet tea, and maybe a rocking chair, and maybe a hat, and maybe just stay inside.
• That fella’s got a mind like a Texas dirt road after a rain, a little muddy and you never know what you might find.
• A Texan’s biggest fear isn’t a tornado, it’s running out of sweet tea, and having to drink something that isn’t sweet, and then they’ll probably just go get some pie.
• They say everything is bigger in Texas, but they haven’t seen the size of my appetite for barbecue, it’s practically a black hole.
• A Texan’s idea of a “quick errand” is a detour to three different barbecue joints, just to make sure they get the best ribs, and then a stop for some sweet tea, and then maybe a drive through a bluebonnet field, and then they realize they’re late, and then they’re not worried about it, and then they start it all over again.
• My Texas weather app just gives me a picture of the sun and the caption “Yep, that’s about it, and you should probably get a hat, and some sunscreen, and maybe some more sunscreen, just in case, and then go get some barbecue, and then maybe a nap”.
• That’s about as likely as a tumbleweed learning to play the fiddle, and then getting a record deal, and then playing at the Austin City Limits, and then winning a Grammy, and then running for Governor.
• They say everything is bigger in Texas, but they haven’t seen the size of my collection of cowboy boots, it’s practically a small town.

Texas One-Liners: Quick Quips and Quirky Wisdom

Looking for a taste of Texas humor? “Texas One-Liners” is your go-to guide! This book isn’t just jokes; it’s a collection of the state’s quick wit and unique perspective. From quirky observations to folksy wisdom, it captures the spirit of Texas in short, sharp bursts. A perfect addition to any…

• That fella’s got a mind like a Texas dirt road, long, dusty, and you never know when you’ll hit a dead end, or a random armadillo.
• You know you’re in Texas when the biggest traffic jam is caused by a herd of longhorns deciding to cross the highway, and everyone just patiently waits, because that’s just how it is, y’all.
• My GPS in Texas just keeps saying, “You’re near a barbecue joint, a gas station, and probably a bluebonnet field. Now what?”
• A Texan’s idea of a “quick errand” is a two-hour drive, a stop at three different barbecue joints, a conversation with everyone they see, and then a realization that they’re late, but it’s fine.
• They say everything is bigger in Texas, but they haven’t seen the size of my craving for a good breakfast taco.
• That’s about as likely as a tumbleweed learning to dance the two-step, and then getting a gig at the Broken Spoke.
• My Texas weather app just gives me a picture of the sun and the caption “Yep, that’s about it, and you should probably get a hat, and some sunscreen, and maybe some more sunscreen, just in case.”
• A Texas summer is like a slow cooker, just simmering all day long, and the humidity is the lid, and you should probably grab a glass of sweet tea, and maybe a rocking chair, and maybe just stay inside, and maybe get some barbecue.
• They say everything is bigger in Texas, but they haven’t seen the size of a Texas-sized ego, it’s practically a monument to self-importance, and maybe a little bit over the top.
• That fella’s got a smile like a Texas sunrise, warm and bright, and you know he’s about to tell you a story, and it’ll probably be a long one, and you should probably grab a glass of sweet tea.
• A Texan’s idea of a “light snack” is a plate of brisket, a side of mac and cheese, and a jalapeño popper, just to tide them over until dinner.
• They say everything is bigger in Texas, but they haven’t seen the size of a Texas-sized appetite for barbecue, it’s practically a black hole.
• My Texas weather app just gives me a picture of the sun and the caption “Yep, that’s about it, and you should probably get a hat, and some sunscreen, and maybe some more sunscreen, just in case, and maybe a big glass of iced tea, and maybe a nap.”
• They say everything is bigger in Texas, but they haven’t seen the size of my collection of cowboy boots, it’s practically a small town of leather and buckles, and then I need a hat to match them, and then I need a belt, and then…
• That’s about as likely as a vegetarian ordering a whole hog at a barbecue competition, and then asking for some tofu, and then getting a side of kale salad, and then a glass of unsweetened tea.

Classic Texas Jokes: Timeless Tales of the South

“Classic Texas Jokes: Timeless Tales of the South” is your go-to for authentic Texas humor. Forget the tumbleweeds and ten-gallon hats clichés; this collection digs deeper, revealing the witty heart of the Lone Star State. It’s a perfect companion to any book of Texas sayings, adding laughter and local flavor…

• That fella’s got a mind like a Texas dirt road after a rain, all muddy and a little bit slick, and probably a few armadillos hiding in the ditches.
• A Texan’s idea of “roughing it” is a weekend without air conditioning and a five-star barbecue meal.
• They say everything is bigger in Texas, but they haven’t seen the size of the lines at Buc-ee’s on a Friday night.
• Texas weather is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get, but it’s probably going to be hot, and then hotter.
• That’s about as likely as a longhorn learning to play the fiddle, and then actually getting a record deal with a polka band.
• You know you’re in Texas when the local gas station sells more beef jerky than actual gasoline, and nobody bats an eye.
• A Texan’s idea of a “quick trip” is a four-hour drive with a stop at three different barbecue joints, and then a drive through a bluebonnet field, and then another stop for some sweet tea.
• My GPS in Texas just keeps saying, “You’re near a barbecue joint, and probably some longhorns. Now what?”
• If you don’t like the weather in Texas, just wait fifteen minutes, and then you’ll probably be sweating, and probably need a hat, and probably some sweet tea.
• That fella’s got a smile like a Texas sunrise, warm and bright, and you know he’s about to tell you a story that will probably take all day, and you should probably grab a big glass of sweet tea.
• My Texas weather app just gives me a picture of the sun and the caption “Yep, that’s about it, and you should probably get a hat, and some sunscreen, and maybe some more sunscreen, just in case, and maybe just stay inside.”
• A Texan walks into a library and asks for books about paranoia. The librarian whispers, “They’re right behind you…and they’re probably talking about the best place to get some brisket, and if the Cowboys are gonna win this year, and then comparing sweet tea recipes.”
• That’s about as likely as a tumbleweed learning to do the two-step, and then actually getting a gig at the Broken Spoke, and then winning a rodeo.
• They say everything is bigger in Texas, but they haven’t seen the size of my appetite for barbecue, it’s practically a black hole, and I should probably stop for some pie afterwards.
• A Texas summer is like a slow cooker, just simmering all day long, and the humidity is the lid, and you should probably grab a glass of sweet tea, and maybe a rocking chair, and maybe just stay inside, and maybe get some barbecue.

Texas-Sized Sayings: Exaggeration and Endearment

Texas sayings? They’re not just words, they’re a whole mood! We take pride in our “Texas-sized” everything, and that includes our exaggerations. It’s how we show affection, a playful way of saying we care. From “bigger than Dallas” to “sweeter than tea,” these sayings are a blend of humor and…

• That fella’s got a drawl so thick, it could slow down a herd of cattle crossing the highway.
• She’s got a heart as big as Texas, and a voice that could soothe a rattlesnake.
• He’s about as subtle as a longhorn in a china shop, but twice as charming.
• That’s about as likely as a bluebonnet growing in the desert and then winning a rodeo, and then becoming a country music star.
• That barbecue is so good, it’ll make you wanna slap your grandma and then ask for seconds, and then start thinkin’ about tomorrow’s lunch.
• He’s got a mind like a Texas dirt road after a rainstorm, full of potholes and unexpected detours, but you’ll get there eventually, maybe.
• They say everything is bigger in Texas, but they haven’t seen the size of a Texan’s appetite for barbecue, it’s a bottomless pit of ribs and brisket and maybe some sausage.
• That fella’s got a smile like a Texas sunrise, warm and bright, and you know he’s about to tell you a story that will probably take all day, and you should probably grab a glass of sweet tea.
• She’s got a temper as hot as a jalapeño, but a heart as sweet as a Texas peach.
• That fella’s got a voice as smooth as a glass of bourbon, and a story to go with it, but you might need a few hours to hear the whole thing, and you should probably grab a rocking chair, and maybe a glass of sweet tea.
• You know you’re in Texas when the biggest traffic jam is caused by a herd of longhorns deciding to cross the highway, and everyone just patiently waits, because that’s just how it is, y’all.
• That fella’s got a mind like a Texas highway, long, flat, and probably under construction, and maybe a detour due to some tumbleweeds.
• She’s got a smile as wide as the Texas plains, and a laugh that could make a cactus bloom, and you should probably grab a glass of sweet tea and listen to her stories.
• That’s about as likely as a tumbleweed learning to play the fiddle, and then actually getting a record deal, and then playing at the Grand Ole Opry, and then winning a Grammy, and then running for Governor, and then having some barbecue.
• They say everything is bigger in Texas, but they haven’t seen the size of my collection of cowboy boots, it’s practically a small town of leather and buckles, and then you need a hat to match them, and then you need a belt, and then you realize you’re late, but it’s fine.

Modern Texas Sayings: Updated Slang and Humor

Forget “yeehaw,” modern Texas slang is a whole new rodeo! This book dives into the updated humor and sayings you’ll hear around the Lone Star State. From sassy comebacks to playful jabs, it’s a hilarious look at how Texans express themselves today. It’s not your grandpa’s Texas anymore!

• My Texas weather app just gives me a picture of a tumbleweed and the caption, “Yep, that’s about right, and maybe wear a hat, and maybe some boots, and maybe just stay inside.”
• That fella’s got a mind like a Texas highway, long, straight, and sometimes under construction with no warning, and maybe a detour due to some cows.
• They say everything is bigger in Texas, but they haven’t seen the size of my to-do list after a weekend at the rodeo, and that’s a big problem y’all.
• You know you’re in Texas when the local gas station sells more beef jerky than actual gas, and they all have a preferred brand, and they’re all happy to tell you about it.
• A Texan’s idea of a “quick errand” is a detour to three different barbecue joints, just to make sure they get the best brisket, and then a stop for some sweet tea, and then maybe a drive through a bluebonnet field, and then they realize they’re late, and then they’re not worried about it.
• My Texas GPS just keeps saying, “You’re near a barbecue joint, and probably some longhorns. Now what, partner?”
• That’s about as likely as a longhorn learning to do the two-step, and then actually getting a gig at the Broken Spoke, and then becoming a country music star.
• A Texas summer is like a slow cooker, just simmering all day long, and the humidity is the lid, and you should probably grab a glass of sweet tea, and maybe a rocking chair, and maybe a hat, and maybe just stay inside, and maybe get some barbecue, and maybe take a nap.
• They say everything is bigger in Texas, but they haven’t seen the size of a Texas-sized appetite, it’s practically a black hole, and you should probably just go ahead and order another plate of ribs.
• My Texas weather app just gives me a picture of the sun and the caption “Yep, that’s about it, and you should probably get a hat, and some sunscreen, and maybe some more sunscreen, just in case.”
• “If you’re not sweating in Texas, you’re probably a lizard, and you should probably grab a glass of sweet tea, and maybe a rocking chair, and maybe a hat.”
• My Texas friend said he was going to “take it easy” this weekend, he ended up building a smoker, and then having a barbecue competition with the neighbors, and then watching the game, and then talking about the weather.
• A Texan walks into a library and asks for books about paranoia. The librarian whispers, “They’re right behind you, and they’re probably talking about the weather and college football, and the best place to get some brisket, and if the Cowboys are gonna win this year, and then comparing sweet tea recipes.”
• That fella’s got a mind like a Texas dirt road, long, dusty, and you never know where it’s gonna take you, or if you’ll ever get there, and you’ll probably pass a few cows, and then see some bluebonnets, and then you’ll realize you’re lost, and then you’ll probably find some barbecue.
• They say everything is bigger in Texas, but they haven’t seen the size of a Texas-sized ego, it’s practically a monument to self-importance, and maybe a little bit over the top, but that’s just how we roll, y’all.

Texas Jokes About Cowboys: A Staple of the State

Texas humor wouldn’t be complete without a good cowboy joke. It’s a staple, like boots and BBQ. These jokes, often poking fun at their ruggedness or love of cattle, are a beloved part of Texas culture. They’re shared at cookouts and gatherings, proving that even in a state of legends,…

• That cowboy’s so slow, he makes a tumbleweed look like it’s in a hurry.
• He’s got a drawl so thick, you could spread it on a tortilla and make a breakfast taco.
• That fella’s got more spurs than sense, and they’re probably all rusty.
• That cowboy’s so tough, he can wrangle a rattlesnake with one hand and make a pot of coffee with the other, and then tell you a long story about how he caught it.
• His cowboy hat is so big, it has its own weather system, and a few tumbleweeds, and a couple of lizards, and a map of Texas.
• That cowboy’s got a mind like a well-worn saddle, comfortable but a little bit dusty and stiff.
• He was so country, he thought a ‘data breach’ was when the cattle got out of the pasture.
• That cowboy’s so good at roping, he could lasso a star and bring it down for a campfire, and probably tell you a story about the time he tried.
• His idea of a “quick ride” is a two-hour journey across the plains, and you should probably bring a canteen, and maybe a map, and maybe a compass.
• That fella’s got a horse so fast, it can outrun a tornado, and then come back for a second helping of pie.
• He’s got a lasso so good, he could probably rope a lie, and then make it sound like the truth, and then sell it to you for a dollar, and then you’ll probably buy it.
• That cowboy’s so quiet, he could sneak up on a sleeping armadillo, and then probably offer it a piece of jerky, and then tell you a story about the time he tried to train a possum.
• He’s got more boots than he has pairs of socks, and they’re all covered in Texas dirt, and probably a little bit of mud.
• That cowboy’s got a voice that’s smoother than a freshly oiled saddle, and a story to go with it, but you might need a few hours to hear the whole thing, and you should probably grab a glass of sweet tea.
• He was so country he thought a “flash drive” was a new type of cattle prod.