150 Best Bakersfield Sayings and Jokes You Wont Hear Anywhere Else

Ever heard someone say they’re “fixin’ to” do something and wondered if you’d stumbled into a different world? That’s the charm of Bakersfield, where a unique blend of humor and local dialect thrives. Get ready to dive into the quirky side of California’s heartland as we explore hilarious Bakersfield sayings and jokes.

From playful jabs at the valley heat to witty observations about everyday life, Bakersfield has its own distinct way of expressing itself. We’ll uncover the local lingo and share some knee-slapping jokes that are sure to leave you chuckling. So, buckle up, grab a glass of sweet tea, and let’s get started!

Best Bakersfield Sayings and Jokes You Wont Hear Anywhere Else

• Bakersfield: Where the wind blows and the tumbleweeds roll, and the dating pool is a little… dusty.
• I tried to find a good parking spot in Bakersfield. It was like finding a unicorn riding a bicycle – possible, but highly improbable.
• Why did the Bakersfield chicken cross the road? To get to the other side…eventually. Traffic was a mess.
• Bakersfield: Our summers are hotter than a jalapeño on a griddle, and our winters are just… chilly.
• Heard a Bakersfield local complain it was raining. Said, “This is worse than when the wind blows, at least you can see the dust then.”
• My Bakersfield diet plan? I eat what I want, and then sweat it out trying to find a parking spot at Valley Plaza.
• Bakersfield’s idea of a fancy night out? Going to the Olive Garden and ordering the unlimited breadsticks.
• What’s a Bakersfield resident’s favorite board game? “Monopoly,” but with the Bakersfield streets. It’s brutal.
• I asked a Bakersfield native if they knew any good jokes. They said, “Yeah, the city planning.”
• They say Bakersfield is a city of opportunity. Mostly opportunities to buy really good Mexican food.
• Bakersfield: Where the “15 minute drive” is more of a “45 minute adventure.”
• What do you call a Bakersfield resident who’s good at everything? A myth.
• Two Bakersfield locals were arguing about directions. One said, “Just go towards the mountains, you can’t miss them.” The other replied, “Which set? We have like, three.”
• Bakersfield is so windy, I saw a dog chasing a newspaper… and the newspaper was winning.
• I tried to write a song about Bakersfield. It was three minutes of tumbleweed sound effects and the occasional car horn.

Bakersfield Sayings: Uniquely Kern County

Bakersfield Sayings aren’t just jokes; they’re a taste of Kern County’s soul. From “fog thick as pea soup” to “buckle up, it’s windy,” these phrases capture our unique experiences. They’re shorthand for the shared culture, a language that only locals truly understand, and a way we connect through humor and…

• Bakersfield: Where “a quick trip” means you’re either already there, or you’re still trying to find parking.
• My Bakersfield car alarm is just the sound of a tumbleweed rolling across asphalt, followed by a faint jingle of a fruit stand bell.
• You know you’re a Bakersfield local when you can tell the difference between a good almond and a great almond just by looking at it.
• “I’m not saying it’s hot, but my carpool buddy just started spontaneously making tortillas from the sweat.”
• A Bakersfield resident’s idea of a “light snack” is a pile of dates and a glass of almond milk.
• Bakersfield dating profile: Seeking someone who appreciates a good sunset, doesn’t mind a little dust, and can navigate a roundabout without getting dizzy, and also has a portable fan, and a really good data plan for when we are trying to find a new roadside stand.
• Bakersfield weather forecast: Expect sunshine, a sudden craving for a date shake, and a strong chance of needing both a t-shirt and a winter coat, and also, you should probably have a portable fan, and a hat, and a backup plan for your bike, and a really good data plan for when you are trying to find parking at the farmers market.
• Bakersfield is so flat, you could watch your phone battery die for three days, and also, you should probably have a portable charger.
• A Bakersfield resident’s favorite game? Spot the tumbleweed that isn’t trying to steal your parking spot, and also, you should probably have a hat.
• “My favorite Bakersfield workout? Trying to find a parking spot at Valley Plaza on a Saturday afternoon.”
• You know you’re a Bakersfield local when you can tell which direction the wind is blowing just by the way your car is coated in dust, and also, you should probably have a hat.
• Bakersfield is where the tumbleweeds come to retire, and also, they all have a really good data plan.
• My Bakersfield GPS now just says, “Prepare for a detour due to a farm truck, and a strong urge to get a date shake.”
• My Bakersfield dating life is a lot like the weather: dry and dusty, and then it gets really hot, and then you are probably going to get lost.
• “Bakersfield casual” is a way of saying “I’m comfortable, I’m stylish, and I’m probably wearing something that can withstand the heat, and also, I have a hat.”

Bakersfield Jokes: Laughing Local Style

“Bakersfield Jokes: Laughing Local Style” captures the unique humor of our city. From poking fun at our heat to embracing our agricultural roots, these jokes reflect our shared experiences. It’s a collection that’ll have you chuckling, whether you’re a native or just passing through, offering a lighthearted glimpse into Bakersfield…

• Bakersfield: Where “a quick trip” can mean anything from five minutes to an hour, depending on the wind speed and if you have to stop for a date shake.
• My favorite Bakersfield workout? Trying to find a parking spot at the Marketplace on a Saturday, and then trying to figure out how to get back home.
• A Bakersfield resident’s biggest fear? Running out of iced coffee before the afternoon heat hits, and also, not having a portable fan.
• You know you’re from Bakersfield when your GPS just says, “Prepare for a detour due to a sudden dust storm and a strong desire for a date shake.”
• Bakersfield: Where the speed limit is just a suggestion and the potholes are a challenge.
• Bakersfield weather is like a dry heat, but also, it’s not a dry heat.
• My Bakersfield dating profile picture is just me holding a date shake, because honestly, what else is there?
• I tried to find a quiet spot in Bakersfield, but ended up in a staring contest with a tumbleweed.
• Bakersfield: Where the only thing more unpredictable than the wind is the traffic on Rosedale Highway, and also, you should probably have a hat.
• My car has developed a Bakersfield accent; it only makes right turns and says, “Howdy, neighbor,” to other cars, and then asks if you want to get a date shake.
• A Bakersfield resident’s idea of a “light snack” is a pile of dates and a glass of almond milk, and then they complain about the heat.
• They say time flies when you’re having fun, but in Bakersfield, it just kinda…drifts along with the dust devils and the tumbleweeds.
• Bakersfield is so flat, you could watch your phone battery die for three days, and also, you should probably have a portable charger, and a hat, and a map of all the farmers markets in the area.
• Why did the raisin cross the road in Bakersfield? To get away from the heat, and also, to try to find parking with some shade.
• You know you’re a true Bakersfield local when you can give directions using only the names of different fruit stands, the general direction of the nearest cotton field, and the phrase, “just past that really big almond orchard.”

Common Bakersfield Sayings: A Guide for Newcomers

So you’re new to Bakersfield? “Common Bakersfield Sayings” is your survival guide! From “the 99” to “fog season,” this booklet decodes local lingo. It’s not just a list; it’s a glimpse into our humor and how we talk. Get ready to understand the jokes, the subtle digs, and the true…

• Bakersfield is so flat, you could watch your phone battery die for three days, and also, you should probably have a portable charger, and a hat.
• “A few minutes away” in Bakersfield means you’re either already there, or you’re still trying to find parking near the Marketplace, and also, you should probably have a portable fan.
• My favorite Bakersfield workout? Trying to find a parking spot at the farmers market on a Saturday morning, and then trying to find a place to lock my bike, and then trying to figure out how to get back home, and then I realize I forgot my hat.
• You know you’re a true Bakersfield local when you can give directions using only the names of different fruit stands, the general direction of the nearest cotton field, and the phrase, “just past that really big almond orchard, and then you’ll see a gas station, and then you should probably stop there to fill up your tank and get some snacks, and then you should probably call me again.”
• Bakersfield weather forecast: Expect sunshine, a sudden craving for a date shake, and a strong chance of needing both a t-shirt and a winter coat, and also, you should probably have a portable fan, and a hat, and a backup plan for your bike, and a really good data plan for when you get lost trying to find parking at the farmers market, and also, you should probably have a map of all the taco trucks in the area.
• My Bakersfield dating profile picture is just me holding a date shake, because honestly, what else is there?
• Bakersfield is so windy, I saw a tumbleweed trying to parallel park.
• Bakersfield traffic is like a slow-moving fruit stand; everyone’s trying to get the best deal, but no one is actually moving.
• Bakersfield: Where the speed limit is just a suggestion and the potholes are a challenge, and also, you should probably have a portable charger, and a good data plan, and a hat, and a backup plan for your bike, and a map of all the local taco trucks.
• You know you’re a Bakersfield local when you can tell the difference between a good almond and a great almond just by looking at it.
• “I’m not saying it’s hot, but I saw a raisin spontaneously combust in my car today.”
• Bakersfield is so flat, you could watch your phone battery die for three days, and then you realize you forgot your portable charger, and also, your hat.
• Bakersfield: Our summers are hotter than a jalapeno on a griddle, and our winters are just… chilly.
• My Bakersfield car alarm is just the sound of a tumbleweed rolling across asphalt, followed by a faint jingle of a fruit stand bell.
• Bakersfield: Where “a quick trip” means you’re either already there, or you’re still trying to find parking near the Marketplace.

The Origins of Bakersfield Jokes: Tracing the Humor

Bakersfield jokes, often poking fun at the town’s perceived quirks, have a history. They likely arose from a mix of local pride, outsider perceptions, and a good dose of self-deprecating humor. Tracing these jokes reveals a fascinating story about how a community sees itself, and how others see it, all…

• Bakersfield: Where the wind is a feature, not a bug, and you should probably have a hat and a really good data plan.
• My Bakersfield dating profile picture is just me holding a date shake, because honestly, what else is there?
• A Bakersfield resident’s idea of a “quick trip” is a drive to three different fruit stands, just to compare the peaches, and then you get lost trying to find parking.
• “I’m not saying it’s hot, but my phone battery started asking for a portable charger and a hat.”
• Bakersfield is so flat, you could watch your car break down for three days, and also, you should probably have a portable charger.
• You know you’re a Bakersfield local when you can identify the exact variety of almond just by the way the sun hits it, and you have a preferred roadside stand to buy them from, and also, you have a portable fan, and a really good data plan for when you are trying to find your way back home.
• My favorite Bakersfield workout? Trying to find a parking spot at the Marketplace on a Saturday afternoon.
• A Bakersfield resident’s biggest fear? Running out of iced coffee before the afternoon heat hits, and also, finding a parking spot that isn’t in the sun.
• Bakersfield traffic is like a slow-moving fruit stand, everyone is just trying to get the best deal, but no one is actually moving, and also, they are all trying to find parking at the same time.
• “Bakersfield casual” is a way of saying “I’m comfortable, I’m stylish, and I’m probably wearing something that can withstand the heat, and also, I have a hat, and a portable fan, and a really good data plan for when I’m trying to find a new place to get a taco, and a backup plan for my bike.”
• “They say what happens in Bakersfield stays in Bakersfield, but my car is telling a different story; it’s covered in a layer of dust and it’s always hot, and I have to charge my phone all the time.”
• Bakersfield weather forecast: Expect sunshine, a sudden craving for a date shake, and a strong chance of needing both a t-shirt and a winter coat, and also, you should probably have a portable fan, and a hat.
• Bakersfield: Where the speed limit is just a suggestion and the potholes are a challenge, and also, you should probably have a portable charger, and a good data plan for when you are trying to figure out how to get back to your car, and also, you should probably have a hat, and a backup plan for your bike.
• My Bakersfield car alarm is just the sound of a tumbleweed rolling across asphalt, followed by a faint jingle of a fruit stand bell, and then someone saying, “It’s a dry heat, I promise!”.
• My Bakersfield GPS now just says, “Prepare for a detour due to a farm truck, and a strong desire for a date shake, and also, you should probably have a portable fan, and a hat, and a backup plan for your bike, and a really good data plan for when you are trying to figure out how to get back home.”

Bakersfield Sayings and Slang: Speaking the Local Language

Ever wondered what “the 66” or “going to the bluffs” means? Bakersfield’s got its own unique lingo! “Bakersfield Sayings and Slang” dives into the local dialect, explaining phrases you might hear around town. Paired with “Bakersfield Jokes,” you get a fun peek into our city’s culture, making you feel like…

• Bakersfield is so flat, you could watch your phone battery die for three days, and still not be able to find a charging port.
• A Bakersfield resident’s idea of a “quick trip” is a drive to three different fruit stands, just to compare the peaches, and then you get lost trying to find parking with some shade.
• Bakersfield: Where “a few minutes away” can mean anything from five minutes to an hour, depending on the wind, the traffic on the 99, and if the date shake stand you are going to is open.
• “Bakersfield casual” is a way of saying, “I’m comfortable, I’m stylish, and I’m probably wearing something that can withstand the heat, and also, I have a hat.”
• My Bakersfield car alarm is just the sound of a tumbleweed rolling across asphalt, followed by a faint jingle of a fruit stand bell, and then someone saying, “It’s a dry heat, I promise!”
• “I’m not saying it’s windy, but I saw a tumbleweed trying to parallel park in my spot.”
• They say what happens in Bakersfield stays in Bakersfield, but my car is telling a different story; it’s covered in a layer of dust and it’s always hot.
• Why did the raisin cross the road in Bakersfield? To get away from the heat, and also, to try to find parking with some shade.
• A Bakersfield resident’s biggest fear? Running out of iced coffee before the afternoon heat hits, and also, finding a parking spot that isn’t in the sun.
• My favorite Bakersfield workout? Trying to find a parking spot at the Marketplace on a Saturday afternoon, and then trying to find a place to lock my bike, and then trying to figure out how to get back home, and then I have to start all over again tomorrow, but it is going to be worth it.
• Bakersfield: where the speed limit is just a suggestion and the potholes are a challenge.
• Bakersfield weather forecast: Expect sunshine, a sudden craving for a date shake, and a strong chance of needing both a t-shirt and a winter coat, and also, you should probably have a portable fan, and a hat, and a backup plan for your bike.
• Bakersfield dating profile: Seeking someone who appreciates a good sunset, doesn’t mind a little heat, and can handle the dust, and also has a car with good AC, and a really good data plan for when we are trying to find the best taco truck, and also a hat.
• “If you haven’t been stuck in a traffic jam on the 99, you haven’t really lived.”
• A Bakersfield resident’s idea of “a light breeze” is when the tumbleweeds aren’t trying to take over your car.

Funny Bakersfield Jokes: Poking Fun at City Life

Bakersfield Sayings and Jokes wouldn’t be complete without some good-natured ribbing! “Funny Bakersfield Jokes: Poking Fun at City Life” captures the quirks we locals know and love, from the heat to the fog. It’s all in good fun, highlighting our unique experiences with a laugh. We can poke fun at…

• Bakersfield’s idea of a “quick trip” is a drive to three different date farms, just to compare the Medjools, and then you get lost trying to find parking.
• You know you’re a Bakersfield local when you can identify the exact variety of almond just by the way the wind blows through the orchard, and you have a preferred roadside stand to buy them from, and also, you have a portable fan.
• My Bakersfield car alarm is just the sound of a tumbleweed rolling across asphalt, followed by a faint jingle of a fruit stand bell, and then someone saying, “It’s a dry heat, I promise!”
• Bakersfield is so flat, you could watch your phone battery die for three days, and still not be able to find a charging port, and also, you should probably have a hat.
• My favorite Bakersfield workout? Trying to navigate the traffic on Rosedale Highway during rush hour, and then trying to find a parking spot that isn’t in direct sunlight, and then trying to find a date shake that is not sold out.
• A Bakersfield resident’s biggest fear? The date shake stand running out of Medjool dates, and also, finding a parking spot that isn’t in the sun.
• Bakersfield dating profile: Seeking someone who appreciates a good sunset, doesn’t mind a little heat, and can navigate a roundabout without getting dizzy, and also has a car with good AC, and a really good data plan for when we are trying to find a new place to get a taco, and also, a portable fan, and a hat.
• They say what happens in Bakersfield stays in Bakersfield, but my car is telling a different story; it’s covered in a layer of dust and it’s always hot, and I have to charge my phone all the time.
• A Bakersfield joke is never complete without someone saying, “Yeah, but have you been to [insert slightly less dusty city]?”
• “Bakersfield casual” is a way of saying “I’m comfortable, I’m stylish, and I’m probably wearing something that can withstand the heat, and also, I have a hat, and a portable fan, and a really good data plan for when I’m trying to find a new place to get a taco.”
• Bakersfield weather forecast: Expect sunshine, a sudden craving for a date shake, and a strong chance of needing both a t-shirt and a winter coat, and also, you should probably have a backup plan for your bike, and a really good data plan, and a portable charger for when you are trying to find parking at the farmers market.
• My Bakersfield apartment is so hot, even my ice cubes are sweating and asking for a rent reduction.
• Bakersfield is so flat, you could watch your phone battery die for three days, and also, you should probably have a portable charger.
• You know you’re a true Bakersfield local when you can give directions using only the names of different fruit stands, the general direction of the nearest cotton field, and the phrase, “just past that really big almond orchard, and then you’ll see a gas station, and then you should probably stop there to fill up your tank and get some snacks, and then you should probably call me again.”
• My favorite Bakersfield pastime? Trying to find a parking spot at the Marketplace on a Saturday afternoon.

Decoding Bakersfield Sayings: What Do They Really Mean

Bakersfield’s got its own language, right? This section dives into those quirky sayings and jokes, uncovering the real meanings behind “going to the bluffs” or “that’s so east side.” It’s a fun look at local lingo, helping you understand the humor and heart of Bakersfield’s unique culture, one phrase at…

• “Bakersfield casual” is a way of saying “I own at least three different pairs of work boots.”
• You know you’re a Bakersfield local when you can tell the difference between a good almond and a great almond by the way the sun hits it.
• “Just a little bit dusty” is Bakersfield code for “I haven’t seen rain in six months.”
• My Bakersfield dating profile picture is just me holding a date shake, because honestly, what else is there?
• Bakersfield traffic is like a slow-moving fruit stand, everyone’s trying to get the best deal, but nobody is actually moving.
• They say what happens in Bakersfield stays in Bakersfield, but my car is telling a different story; it’s covered in a layer of dust.
• A Bakersfield resident’s idea of a “quick trip” is a drive to three different fruit stands, just to compare the peaches, and then you get lost trying to find parking.
• “Bakersfield spicy” is a way of saying “I can handle a jalapeño without breaking a sweat, and also, I have a portable fan.”
• My Bakersfield car alarm is just the sound of a tumbleweed rolling across asphalt, followed by a faint jingle of a fruit stand bell.
• Bakersfield is so flat, you could watch your phone battery die for three days, and still not be able to find a charging port.
• “A few minutes away” in Bakersfield means you’re either already there, or you’re still trying to find parking near the Marketplace, and also, you should probably have a portable fan.
• My Bakersfield therapist told me to embrace my inner raisin, so now I just sit in the sun and wait for the inevitable shriveling, and also, I should probably have a portable charger and a really good data plan.
• “The wind is just Bakersfield’s way of saying ‘Hello, and also, here is a free exfoliation treatment for your car’ and you should probably check if your hat is still on.”
• Bakersfield is so hot, even the tumbleweeds are looking for shade, and also, they are all trying to find a place where they can charge their phones, and get a good data signal.
• You know you’re in Bakersfield when your GPS just says, “Prepare for a detour due to a farm truck, and a strong desire for a date shake, and also, you should probably have a hat, and a portable fan, and a good data plan for when you are trying to figure out how to get back home, and also, you should probably have a backup plan for your bike.”

Bakersfield Jokes and Puns: Wordplay in the 661

Bakersfield humor, especially its wordplay, is a unique beast. “Bakersfield Jokes and Puns: Wordplay in the 661” explores this local quirkiness. Expect a mix of groan-worthy puns about the city’s name and surprising twists on familiar phrases. It’s a fun dive into the linguistic landscape of Bakersfield, showing how locals…

• My Bakersfield car alarm is just the sound of a tumbleweed rolling across asphalt, followed by a faint jingle of a fruit stand bell, and then a sigh.
• Bakersfield dating profile: Seeking someone who appreciates a good sunset, doesn’t mind a little dust, and can navigate a roundabout without getting dizzy, and also has a car with good AC, and a really good data plan for when we are trying to find a new place to get a date shake.
• A Bakersfield resident’s idea of a “quick trip” is a drive to three different date farms, just to compare the Medjools, and then you get lost trying to find parking, and then you realize you forgot your portable fan.
• Bakersfield weather forecast: Expect sunshine, a sudden craving for a date shake, and a strong chance of needing both a t-shirt and a winter coat, and also, you should probably have a portable fan, and a hat, and a backup plan for your bike.
• You know you’re a true Bakersfield local when you can give directions using only the names of different fruit stands, the general direction of the nearest cotton field, and the phrase, “just past that really big almond orchard.”
• Bakersfield traffic is like a slow-motion fruit stand; everyone’s trying to get the best deal, but no one is actually moving, and also, they are all trying to find parking with some shade.
• Bakersfield: Where the speed limit is just a suggestion and the potholes are a challenge, and also, you should probably have a portable charger.
• Bakersfield is so flat, you could watch your phone battery die for three days, and also, you should probably have a portable charger, and a good data plan for when you are trying to figure out how to get back to your car, and also, you should probably have a hat, and a backup plan for your bike.
• My favorite Bakersfield workout? Trying to find a parking spot at the Marketplace on a Saturday afternoon, and then trying to find a place to get some shade, and then trying to figure out how to get back home, and then I have to start all over again tomorrow.
• A Bakersfield resident’s biggest fear? The ice cream truck running out of peach-flavored popsicles, and also, finding a parking spot that isn’t in the sun, and also, not having a portable charger, and a hat.
• Bakersfield is so hot, even the tumbleweeds are looking for shade, and also, they are all trying to find a place where they can charge their phones, and also, they are all trying to find a new taco truck that has good AC.
• They say what happens in Bakersfield stays in Bakersfield, but my car is telling a different story; it’s covered in a layer of dust and it’s always hot, and also, I have to charge my phone all the time, and also, I have to try to find a new place to get a date shake.
• Bakersfield is so flat, you could watch your phone battery die for three days, and still not be able to find a charging port, and also, you should probably have a hat, and a portable fan, and a really good data plan for when you are trying to figure out how to get back to your car after that trip to the farmers market.
• “Bakersfield casual” is a way of saying “I’m comfortable, I’m stylish, and I’m probably wearing something that can withstand the heat, and also, I have a hat, and a portable fan, and a really good data plan for when I’m trying to find a new place to get a taco, and a backup plan for my bike.”
• A Bakersfield joke is never complete without someone saying, “Yeah, but have you been to [insert slightly less dusty city]?”, and also, they will probably complain about the heat, and the lack of parking, and the lack of a good data signal.