150 Best Missouri Sayings and Jokes That Will Make You Holler

Ever found yourself scratching your head at a peculiar phrase someone just uttered? If you’ve spent any time in the Show-Me State, you’ve likely encountered some uniquely Missouri sayings and jokes. They’re a special blend of homespun wisdom and quirky humor, and we’re here to unpack them.

From playful jabs to down-to-earth observations, the local dialect of Missouri is rich with character. Get ready to dive into the heart of Missouri humor, where you’ll discover sayings that might make you chuckle, nod in agreement, or maybe just leave you saying “Well, I’ll be.”

Best Missouri Sayings and Jokes That Will Make You Holler

• “Bless your heart, you’re about as useful as a screen door on a submarine…in Missouri.”
• Why did the Missouri farmer bring a ladder to the potluck? He heard the potato salad was on a higher level.
• “Well, I’ll be hornswoggled! That’s about as likely as finding a vegetarian at a BBQ competition in Kansas City.”
• A Missouri tourist asked a local, “Is this the way to Branson?” The local replied, “Depends, are you lookin’ for a show or a shoulder to cry on?”
• “I’m not sayin’ I’m from Missouri, but if you told me the sky was green, I’d probably need a second opinion from a cicada.”
• What do you call a group of ducks that fly over St. Louis? The Arch-ducks!
• “He’s got more opinions than a Missouri mule has stubbornness.”
• Why did the chicken cross the road in Columbia? To prove he wasn’t from Kansas.
• “That idea is flatter than the land between St. Louis and Kansas City.”
• A Missouri fisherman caught a three-eyed catfish. He said, “Well, I reckon that’s just how things are down here sometimes.”
• “She’s so sweet, she could make a persimmon pucker up and smile…and that’s saying something in Missouri.”
• What’s Missouri’s favorite type of music? Blues, especially when the Cardinals lose.
• “Don’t get your britches in a twist; we’ll get there, it might just take a scenic route through every back road in the state.”
• A Missouri man tried to return a boomerang. The clerk said, “It’s been a while, hasn’t it?” The man replied, “Well, it took me a bit to find it again.”
• “He’s got more charm than a used car salesman at a county fair…and just as much to hide.”

Missouri Slang: Understanding the Local Lingo

Ever felt lost in a Missouri conversation? “Fixin’ to” might mean “about to,” and “hollar” is just a shout. Our sayings and jokes are peppered with unique slang. Understanding this local lingo unlocks a whole new level of fun, letting you truly appreciate the humor and heart of Missouri’s special…

• That fella’s got a mind like a Missouri back road, full of twists, turns, and a few dead ends, and you’re never quite sure where you’re going.
• You know you’re in Missouri when the biggest debate isn’t politics, but whether you like your barbecue sauce sweet or tangy, and everyone has a very strong opinion, and a family recipe to back it up.
• My Missouri GPS just keeps saying, “You’re near a river, and probably a town with a funny name. Good luck with that.”
• They say everything is flat in Kansas, but they haven’t seen the potholes in Missouri after a good rain; they’re practically sinkholes with a tiny orange cone on top.
• That fella’s got a smile like a possum eatin’ a persimmon, sweet but a little unsettling, and you’re not sure what they’re up to.
• A Missouri minute is like a regular minute, but it takes a little longer and probably involves a conversation about the Cardinals and the weather, and then a story about that time the river flooded.
• You know you’re in Missouri when the local diner has a “Gravy of the Day” special, and it’s always different, and always good, and always served with a biscuit.
• My Missouri weather app has started suggesting I learn how to speak fluent cicada, “just in case,” and also suggests I grab a good book, because it might be a while before the heat breaks.
• That fella’s got a memory like a rusty horseshoe, good for nothin’ much, and probably lost in the barn somewhere.
• What’s a Missourian’s favorite type of music? Anything with a good bluesy twang and a fiddle, as long as it’s not from Kansas City.
• You know you’re in Missouri when a “slight chance of rain” means you should probably carry an umbrella, a poncho, and a small boat, just in case, and then probably wait it out on the porch with some sweet tea.
• That fella’s got a mind like a Missouri river on a foggy morning, a little mysterious and you never know what you’ll find lurking below the surface.
• My Missouri neighbor’s hound dog is so lazy, he chases parked tractors, and then just gives up and takes a nap in the shade, and then expects a biscuit for his efforts.
• They say patience is a virtue, especially when you’re waiting for your barbecue to cook just right, and for the hushpuppies to get perfectly golden brown, but not too long, because then they get soggy, and that’s a tragedy.
• A Missourian’s idea of “roughing it” is a camping trip without a rocking chair and a good supply of s’mores, and maybe a little bit of bluegrass to set the mood.

Funny Missouri Jokes: From the Ozarks to St. Louis

Looking for a good laugh? “Funny Missouri Jokes: From the Ozarks to St. Louis” dives deep into the state’s quirky humor. It’s a treasure trove of local wit, from folksy Ozark tales to St. Louis city slicker jokes. If you love Missouri sayings and jokes, this book is a must-have…

• A Missouri minute is like a regular minute, but it takes a little longer and probably involves a conversation about the Cardinals and the weather, and then a story about that time the river flooded.
• That fella’s got a mind like a Missouri back road, full of twists, turns, and a few dead ends, and you’re never quite sure where you’re going, or if you’ll ever get there.
• My Missouri GPS just keeps saying, “You’re near a river, and probably a town with a funny name. Good luck with that.”
• You know you’re in Missouri when the local diner has a “Gravy of the Day” special, and it’s always different, and always good, and always served with a biscuit.
• My Missouri weather app has started suggesting I learn how to speak fluent cicada, “just in case,” and also suggests I grab a good book, because it might be a while before the heat breaks.
• A Missouri fisherman caught a three-eyed catfish. He said, “Well, I reckon that’s just how things are down here sometimes.”
• My Missouri neighbor’s hound dog is so lazy, he chases parked tractors, and then just gives up and takes a nap in the shade, and then expects a biscuit for his efforts.
• “That idea is flatter than the land between St. Louis and Kansas City.”
• That fella’s got a mind like a Missouri river on a foggy morning, a little mysterious and you never know what you’ll find lurking below the surface.
• “She’s so sweet, she could make a persimmon pucker up and smile…and that’s saying something in Missouri.”
• A Missouri man tried to return a boomerang. The clerk said, “It’s been a while, hasn’t it?” The man replied, “Well, it took me a bit to find it again.”
• “Bless your heart, you’re about as lost as a Purdue fan in Bloomington, or a Cardinals fan in Kansas City.”
• That fella’s got a smile like a catfish eatin’ a june bug, a little sideways and unexpected, but still kinda charming.
• What’s Missouri’s favorite type of music? Blues, especially when the Cardinals lose.
• You know you’re in Missouri when the biggest debate isn’t politics, but whether you like your barbecue sauce sweet or tangy, and everyone has a very strong opinion, and a family recipe to back it up.

Unique Missouri Sayings: Expressions You’ll Only Hear Here

Missouri’s got a flavor all its own, and that extends to our language! Beyond the usual jokes, you’ll find unique sayings here. Ever heard someone say “fixin’ to” or “caddywompus”? These expressions are pure Missouri, adding a touch of local charm you won’t hear just anywhere. Discover the linguistic quirks…

• That fella’s got a mind like a Missouri back road, full of twists, turns, and you never know when you’ll hit a dead end…or a hidden barbecue joint.
• A Missouri minute is like a regular minute, but it takes a little longer and probably involves a conversation about the Cardinals, the weather, and maybe a story about that time the river flooded.
• My Missouri GPS just keeps saying, “You’re near a river, and probably a town with a funny name. Good luck with that, and maybe stop for some barbecue.”
• That idea is flatter than the land between St. Louis and Kansas City, and just as likely to have a barbecue place on it.
• What’s a Missourian’s favorite type of music? Blues, especially when the Cardinals lose, and maybe some bluegrass, but only if it’s not from Kansas.
• A Missouri traffic jam is just a slow-motion parade of pickup trucks, and everyone’s being polite about it, unless you cut in line at the barbecue joint.
• That fella’s got a smile like a possum eatin’ a mayhaw, a little sweet, a little unsettling, and you’re not quite sure what they’re up to.
• You know you’re in Missouri when the local diner has a “Gravy of the Day” special, and it’s always different, always good, and always served with a biscuit.
• My Missouri weather app has started suggesting I learn how to speak fluent cicada, “just in case,” and also suggests I grab a good book, because it might be a while before the heat breaks.
• A Missouri politician’s idea of a “fact-finding mission” is a weekend trip to a barbecue competition, all expenses paid, and a lot of handshaking while eating a rack of ribs.
• That fella’s got a mind like a Missouri river on a foggy morning, a little mysterious and you never know what you’ll find lurking below the surface.
• You know you’re in Missouri when a “slight chance of rain” means you should probably carry an umbrella, a poncho, and a small boat, just in case, and then wait it out on the porch with some sweet tea.
• My neighbor’s hound dog is so lazy, he chases parked tractors, and then just gives up and takes a nap in the shade, and then expects a biscuit for his efforts.
• A Missouri man tried to return a boomerang. The clerk said, “It’s been a while, hasn’t it?” The man replied, “Well, it took me a bit to find it again, and I had to drive all the way back from Kansas.”
• “Bless your heart, you’re about as lost as a Cardinals fan in Kansas City, or maybe a Royals fan in St. Louis.”

Missouri Quips and One-Liners: Short and Sweet Humor

Looking for a quick chuckle? “Missouri Quips and One-Liners” delivers bite-sized humor perfect for any conversation. It’s a fun collection within the broader world of Missouri sayings and jokes, offering snappy observations and clever wordplay. Think of it as the state’s wit distilled into its purest, most entertaining form.

• My Missouri GPS just keeps saying, “You’re near a river, and probably some barbecue. Now what, partner?”
• That fella’s got a mind like a Missouri back road, full of twists, turns, and a few dead ends, and you never know when you’ll hit a barbecue joint.
• A Missourian’s idea of a balanced diet is a plate of ribs in one hand and a slice of gooey butter cake in the other.
• You know you’re in Missouri when the biggest debate isn’t politics, but whether St. Louis or Kansas City has the best barbecue, and everyone has a very strong opinion, and a family recipe to back it up.
• They say everything is flat in Kansas, but they haven’t seen the size of a Missouri pothole after a good rain, it’s practically a sinkhole with a tiny orange cone on top.
• Missouri weather is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get, but it’s probably gonna be a little too much of something, and you’ll need to pack for all of it.
• That’s about as likely as finding a vegetarian at a barbecue competition in Kansas City, or maybe a Cardinals fan in St. Louis.
• A Missouri minute is like a regular minute, but it takes a little longer and probably involves a conversation about the Cardinals, the weather, and then a story about the time the river flooded, and maybe some barbecue.
• My Missouri neighbor’s hound dog is so lazy, he chases parked tractors, and then just gives up and takes a nap in the shade, and then expects a biscuit for his efforts.
• What’s a Missourian’s favorite type of music? Blues, especially when the Cardinals lose, and maybe some bluegrass, but only if it’s not from Kansas.
• If you’re lost in Missouri, just follow the smell of barbecue, you’ll either find your way or a really good meal, and maybe a fiddle player.
• My Missouri weather app has started suggesting I learn how to speak fluent cicada, “just in case,” and also suggests I grab a good book, because it might be a while before the heat breaks.
• You know you’re in Missouri when the local diner has a “Gravy of the Day” special, and it’s always different, and always good, and always served with a biscuit.
• My Missouri grandpa says, “If you can’t fix it with a little bit of barbecue sauce and a whole lot of patience, it probably ain’t worth fixin’,” and he means it.
• My Missouri GPS just keeps saying, “You’re near a river, and probably a town with a funny name. Good luck with that, and maybe stop for some barbecue.”

Regional Missouri Dialect: Sayings from Different Areas

Missouri’s got more than just “show me” – our sayings change depending on where you’re at! From the Ozark hills to St. Louis city, you’ll hear colorful expressions. Some folks might say “fixin’ to” while others use “yonder.” It’s a fun reminder that even within one state, language keeps things…

• That fella’s got a smile like a possum eatin’ a persimmon, sweet, but a little unsettling, and you know he’s probably got a story to go with it.
• You know you’re in Missouri when a “slight chance of rain” means you should probably carry an umbrella, a poncho, and a small boat, just in case, and then wait it out on the porch with some sweet tea and maybe a good book.
• My Missouri GPS just keeps saying, “You’re near a river, and probably a town with a funny name. Good luck with that, and maybe stop for some barbecue.”
• A Missourian’s biggest fear isn’t a tornado, it’s a day without sunshine, because that means the barbecue won’t be as good, and that’s a true tragedy.
• They say everything is flat in Kansas, but they haven’t seen the size of a Missouri pothole after a good rain, it’s practically a sinkhole with a tiny orange cone on top, and probably a squirrel making a home in it.
• That fella’s got a mind like a Missouri back road, full of twists, turns, and a few dead ends, and you’re never quite sure where you’ll end up, and you might as well get a snack.
• What’s a Missourian’s favorite type of music? Blues, especially when the Cardinals lose, and maybe some bluegrass, but only if it’s not from Kansas.
• My Missouri weather app has started suggesting I learn how to speak fluent cicada, “just in case,” and also suggests I grab a good book, because it might be a while before the heat breaks, and maybe a glass of iced tea.
• A Missouri minute is like a regular minute, but it takes a little longer and probably involves a conversation about the Cardinals and the weather, and then a story about that time the river flooded, and maybe a visit to a barbecue joint.
• They say everything is bigger in Texas, but they haven’t seen the size of a pile of barbecue at a Missouri cookout, it’s practically a monument to deliciousness, and maybe a little bit of sweet tea.
• You know you’re in Missouri when the biggest debate isn’t politics, but whether St. Louis or Kansas City has the best barbecue, and everyone has a very strong opinion, and a family recipe to back it up.
• My neighbor’s hound dog is so lazy, he chases parked tractors, and then just gives up and takes a nap in the shade, and then expects a biscuit for his efforts, bless his heart.
• A Missouri traffic jam is just a slow-motion parade of pickup trucks, and everyone’s being polite about it, unless you cut in line at the barbecue joint, then all bets are off, and you might need a getaway car.
• You know you’re in Missouri when the local diner has a “Gravy of the Day” special, and it’s always different, and always good, and always served with a biscuit, and maybe a side of fried green tomatoes.
• That fella’s got a memory like a gumbo pot, everything gets mixed up and eventually forgotten, unless it was a good barbecue story, then he remembers every detail, and then he’ll probably tell it again, bless his heart.

Missouri Punny Jokes: Wordplay from the Show-Me State

Missourians love a good laugh, and “Missouri Punny Jokes” perfectly captures that playful spirit. It’s a collection of wordplay that’s as unique as the Show-Me State itself, fitting right in with our quirky sayings and local humor. This book is a great way to explore the lighter side of Missouri…

• My Missouri GPS just keeps saying, “You’re near a river, a barbecue joint, and a whole lot of history, now what’s your plan, partner?”
• They say Missouri is the “Show-Me State,” but I think it should be the “Show-Me-Where-The-Best-Barbecue-Is” state.
• A Missourian’s idea of a “quick trip” involves a detour to a roadside stand for some peaches, a stop for some barbecue, and then a conversation about the Cardinals.
• That fella’s got a mind like a Missouri back road in the summer; full of unexpected twists, turns, and a whole lot of sticky situations.
• You know you’re in Missouri when the biggest traffic jam is caused by a group of people debating which barbecue joint is better, and everyone has a strong opinion.
• My Missouri weather app just gives me a picture of a tornado and a shrug emoji, and then suggests I grab a good book and a glass of iced tea.
• A Missourian’s biggest fear isn’t a tornado; it’s a day without barbecue, and that’s a true tragedy, and maybe a little bit of a national emergency.
• That fella’s got a smile like a Missouri sunrise, beautiful but a little bit deceptive, because you know it’s about to get hot, and you’re probably going to be sweating soon, and probably ordering more barbecue.
• My Missouri neighbor’s dog thinks he’s a barbecue connoisseur and only chases after the smell of smoked meats, and then demands a rib bone for his efforts, and a nap in the shade.
• What’s a Missourian’s favorite type of music? Anything with a good fiddle and a banjo, especially if it’s played while they’re eating barbecue, and maybe a little bit of blues, but only if the Cardinals lose.
• A Missourian walks into a library and asks for books about paranoia. The librarian whispers, “They’re right behind you… and they’re probably talking about the weather, and the Cardinals, and the barbecue.”
• They say a watched pot never boils, but a watched pot of barbecue sauce will make you hungrier than a hawk over a field of rabbits, and you’ll probably need another plate of ribs.
• They say everything is flat in Kansas, but they haven’t seen the size of a Missouri pothole after a good rain, it’s practically a sinkhole with a tiny orange cone on top, and probably a squirrel making a home in it.
• If you’re lost in Missouri, just follow the smell of barbecue and the sound of a fiddle, you’ll either find your way, or a really good time, and probably a plate of ribs, and maybe a glass of sweet tea.
• My Missouri grandpa says, “If you can’t fix it with a little bit of barbecue sauce and a whole lot of patience, it probably wasn’t meant to be fixed, and maybe you should just grab a biscuit, and a glass of sweet tea, and relax a bit.”

Old-Time Missouri Proverbs: Wisdom Passed Down Through Generations

Missourians have a knack for colorful sayings, and our proverbs are no exception. Passed down through generations, these bits of wisdom offer a glimpse into our history and humor. From “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” to “A watched pot never boils,” these old-time phrases are more than just…

• That fella’s got a mind like a tangled fishing line, full of knots and lost lures, and you’re not sure what you’ll catch.
• “Well, I’ll be a hog-tied hornet,” she said, “that’s about the strangest thing I’ve seen all week, and I’ve seen a squirrel try to water ski.”
• A Missouri minute is like a regular minute, but it takes a little longer and probably involves a conversation about the Cardinals, and the weather, and maybe a story about the time the river flooded, and a trip to a barbecue joint.
• They say everything is bigger in Texas, but they haven’t seen the size of a pile of ribs at a Missouri barbecue, it’s practically a mountain range of meat.
• My GPS in Missouri just keeps saying, “You’re near a river, and probably some barbecue. Now what, partner?”
• That’s about as likely as a catfish learning to tap dance, or a gator ordering a salad, and then asking for a side of tofu.
• You know you’re in Missouri when the biggest debate isn’t politics, but whether St. Louis or Kansas City has the best barbecue, and everyone has a very strong opinion, and a family recipe to back it up.
• A Missourian’s biggest fear isn’t a tornado, it’s a day without sunshine, because that means the barbecue won’t be as good, and that’s a true tragedy.
• “He’s got more opinions than a Missouri mule has stubbornness, and just as hard to change his mind.”
• That fella’s got a smile like a Missouri sunrise, beautiful but a little bit deceptive, because you know it’s about to get hot, and you’re probably going to be sweating soon, and you’re probably going to be heading for the barbecue.
• If you’re lost in Missouri, just follow the smell of barbecue, you’ll either find your way or a really good meal, and maybe a fiddle player, and probably some sweet tea.
• A Missourian’s idea of a “quick trip” involves a detour to a roadside stand for some peaches, a stop for some barbecue, and then a conversation about the Cardinals, and maybe a stop at a pie shop.
• My Missouri weather app just gives me a picture of a tornado and a shrug emoji, and then suggests I grab a good book and a glass of iced tea.
• A Missourian walks into a library and asks for books about paranoia. The librarian whispers, “They’re right behind you… and they’re probably talking about the Cardinals, and the weather, and the barbecue.”
• That fella’s got a mind like a Missouri back road in the summer; full of unexpected twists, turns, and a whole lot of sticky situations, and probably a barbecue joint.

Missouri-Specific Humor: Jokes About the State’s Culture

Missouri humor often pokes fun at our unique quirks. Think jokes about unpredictable weather, the “Show-Me” state’s skepticism, or the eternal debate over St. Louis versus Kansas City. We love to laugh at our own expense, finding humor in our rural roots, love for toasted ravioli, and the occasional “misery”…

• My Missouri GPS just keeps saying, “You’re near a river, and probably some barbecue. Now, which way do you want to go, partner?”
• They say everything is bigger in Texas, but they haven’t seen the size of a pile of ribs at a Kansas City barbecue competition.
• A Missourian’s biggest fear isn’t a tornado, it’s a day without sunshine, because that means the barbecue won’t be as good, and that’s a true tragedy, and maybe a little bit of a national emergency.
• That fella’s got a mind like a Missouri back road, full of twists, turns, and dead ends, but you’ll probably find a good fishing hole somewhere along the way.
• What’s a Missourian’s favorite type of music? Blues, especially when the Cardinals lose, and maybe some bluegrass, but only if it’s not from Kansas.
• A Missouri minute is like a regular minute, but it takes a little longer and probably involves a conversation about the Cardinals, the weather, and a story about that time the river flooded.
• My Missouri weather app just sends me a picture of a cicada and a shrug emoji, and then suggests I grab a good book and a glass of iced tea.
• You know you’re in Missouri when the biggest debate isn’t politics, but whether St. Louis or Kansas City has the best barbecue, and everyone has a very strong opinion, and a family recipe to back it up.
• A Missourian walks into a library and asks for books about paranoia. The librarian whispers, “They’re right behind you… and they’re probably talking about the Cardinals.”
• My neighbor’s hound dog is so lazy, he chases parked tractors, and then just gives up and takes a nap in the shade, and then expects a biscuit.
• They say everything is flat in Kansas, but they haven’t seen the size of a pothole in Missouri after a good rain, it’s practically a sinkhole.
• That fella’s got a smile like a Missouri sunrise, beautiful but a little bit deceptive, because you know it’s about to get hot, and you’re probably going to be sweating soon, and probably ordering some barbecue.
• A Missourian’s idea of a “quick trip” involves a detour to a roadside stand for some peaches, a stop for some barbecue, and then a conversation about the Cardinals.
• My Missouri grandpa says, “If you can’t fix it with a little bit of barbecue sauce and a whole lot of patience, it probably wasn’t meant to be fixed, and maybe you should just grab a biscuit, and a glass of sweet tea, and relax a bit.”
• That fella’s got a mind like a Missouri river on a foggy morning, a little mysterious and you never know what you’ll find lurking below the surface, and maybe some good fishing.